Thursday, June 4, 2009

Hear ye here now

I want to say a few things about why I post messages on here, and message boards and such. It's because I am actually very quiet most of the time IRL, I don't like discussing much with people in person, especially if it's really controversial topics that get me all riled up. I get much more emotional when talking to someone in person about things I believe very strongly about, or have very strong opinions about, than I would when posting something online. At least when it's an online message, I can take a breather, try to calm down, maybe take a nap and get to posting later. But in person, there's no time out, it can be sort of like a no holds bared verbal brawel with me, and that's the kind of thing I can't seem to resist, and it's also the kind of thing that causes the most trouble.

So, if I've posted something online that I feel very strongly about, I most likely do not want to discuss it at all in person, and will do anything to avoid the subject, including walking out the front door. I'm not very social at all, I find social situations to be extremely stressful, even when everyone around me is being kind and friendly, I still find it highly uncomfortable. I'm pretty comfortable at family gatherings, I don't isolate myself usually, but I still feel a twinge of stress any time a topic I feel strongly about comes up in conversation.

Also, the more emotional I get the worse my muscle spasms get, I can't control it, and it has gotten to the point where it is causing a lot of pain. I don't know why, and I have no idea what to do about it. So, if you could please, if you meet me in person, just don't talk about stuff that will get me riled up, don't try to push my buttons, I'm not all that stable in the first place.

I may bring up a topic that is bound to get me riled up, which I sometimes do because I have a need to express my thoughts and feelings that sometimes overrides my need to shut up and be quiet. But when I do, I almost always wind up getting very upset, my heart rate goes way too high, my blood pressure too probably, and I get nasty headaches and pain all over the place.

Right now I feel pretty calm and collected, and yet, my chest hurts and my heart is trying to stop beating. So, I'm gonna try to stay real calm and not say or post things that will get me all riled up. If you think I'm complaining too much, oh well, too bad, I keep quiet all day long, when people ask me how I'm doing I say I'm fine, and don't mention anything. So, whatever I complain about on here, it's because I need to stop keeping stuff bottled up.

Ooooohhhhhhmmmmmm, Ohhhhhmmmmmmm, *cough cough* uh, Ohhhmmmmmmm....

There, now, I've uncorked, relieved some emotional pressure, and I'm ready for sleep.

Good night.

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