Friday, June 26, 2009

Making my thoughts private

I have recently been warned about people, family or friends, being uncomfortable with, or thinking that I am too open with, my thoughts and opinions. Well, then, fine, no more openness. From this moment forward, NO ONE is allowed to know what I think or feel about anything unless they are either a fellow blogger, and thus already cool in my book, or a close friend or family member with whom I believe I can entrust my real thoughts and feelings without being flamed, put down, belittled, and in other words really really hurt emotionally. Thank you, that is all. I only ever wanted to just dump my thoughts somewhere, and if people choose not to ignore it and actually care about me as a person, cool, otherwise, I don't care.

I just need a place to blow off some steam, put out ideas and thoughts that are bugging me and driving me nuts. If I don't write it SOMEWHERE I'll go insane and the stress and strain of life in general is literally killing me. This is, in my opinion, a far healthier thing to do than having fights with my dad, over the stupidest little things, or having to defend myself to people who just don't understand. If, for any reason, you do not want to know my thoughts and feelings, don't read. Oh, and by the way, I will no longer be posting any, and I mean ANY of my thoughts and feelings anywhere else, not Facebook, or Twitter.

I will post my views and opinions, my beliefs and hopes, my dreams and even nightmares on here, and if you decide to attack me about it, I will block you. If you decide I don't deserve to be related to you anymore, fine, disown me. Heck, I might as well just shoot myself, I'm so sick and tired of all the pain and all the depression. And accusing me of whining about every little thing will just drive me mad, and not the just plain angry kind of mad, the I want to go kill someone kind of mad. You get me?

If you are one of the very very few people I have invited to view my blog, congratulations, that means I love you, and trust you with my most intimate feelings and thoughts. If you have no wish to view these things, tell me now, and I'll remove you from the allowed list. If you're cool with that, awesome.

Since this is not being viewed by people I don't feel are entirely trustworthy, they can go suck a hard boiled egg, AHHAA! Ok, I think I'm starting to calm down, I had better or I'll give myself a heart attack and die before I even click Publish.

I consider myself to be extremely damaged psychologically, and I have no idea what to do about it. Think about it for a minute, I've never held a job longer than a year, and when I finally did I was so ecstatic and happy I just about passed out. I've never been on a date, much less kissed a girl, and who knows why? Certainly not me. Every time I am around a girl that I feel anything for, I seem to shut down, clam up, and just treat her like I would anyone else, a person with whom I can have a relatively safe time, but nothing more. I am too confused by the world around me and the behavior of these incredibly strange creatures called humans, and I am utterly surprised to find that I am one of them. If I were to find out that I am actually some kind of alien that replaced the REAL Aaron Ingebrigtsen shortly after birth and am on a mission to study this strange race, I would be relieved and happy with my existence. As it is, I'm constantly under emotional strain and turmoil just trying to figure out how to be a human being like anyone else.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm far too unique, not really human at all, though my form would suggest that I am. I should just live my life as if absolutely everything I experience is a new and alien experience, and treat everyone as if I've never met anything like them before. I've dreamed of losing all my memories and starting over from scratch. Wow, what a gift that would be. Oh, sure, I love my family, and friends, but, forgetting all the bad things that drive me crazy, and learning nothing but new things might actually be a huge improvement on my life.

Well, anyway, I'm done ranting and raving. It's probably a huge mistake even posting this. If I've offended you... well... Fooled You, HAHAHA!!! Seriously, "He who is offended when offense was not intended is a Fool, he who is offended when offense WAS intended is a Greater Fool!".

Love you, peace.

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