Friday, June 26, 2009

Making my thoughts private

I have recently been warned about people, family or friends, being uncomfortable with, or thinking that I am too open with, my thoughts and opinions. Well, then, fine, no more openness. From this moment forward, NO ONE is allowed to know what I think or feel about anything unless they are either a fellow blogger, and thus already cool in my book, or a close friend or family member with whom I believe I can entrust my real thoughts and feelings without being flamed, put down, belittled, and in other words really really hurt emotionally. Thank you, that is all. I only ever wanted to just dump my thoughts somewhere, and if people choose not to ignore it and actually care about me as a person, cool, otherwise, I don't care.

I just need a place to blow off some steam, put out ideas and thoughts that are bugging me and driving me nuts. If I don't write it SOMEWHERE I'll go insane and the stress and strain of life in general is literally killing me. This is, in my opinion, a far healthier thing to do than having fights with my dad, over the stupidest little things, or having to defend myself to people who just don't understand. If, for any reason, you do not want to know my thoughts and feelings, don't read. Oh, and by the way, I will no longer be posting any, and I mean ANY of my thoughts and feelings anywhere else, not Facebook, or Twitter.

I will post my views and opinions, my beliefs and hopes, my dreams and even nightmares on here, and if you decide to attack me about it, I will block you. If you decide I don't deserve to be related to you anymore, fine, disown me. Heck, I might as well just shoot myself, I'm so sick and tired of all the pain and all the depression. And accusing me of whining about every little thing will just drive me mad, and not the just plain angry kind of mad, the I want to go kill someone kind of mad. You get me?

If you are one of the very very few people I have invited to view my blog, congratulations, that means I love you, and trust you with my most intimate feelings and thoughts. If you have no wish to view these things, tell me now, and I'll remove you from the allowed list. If you're cool with that, awesome.

Since this is not being viewed by people I don't feel are entirely trustworthy, they can go suck a hard boiled egg, AHHAA! Ok, I think I'm starting to calm down, I had better or I'll give myself a heart attack and die before I even click Publish.

I consider myself to be extremely damaged psychologically, and I have no idea what to do about it. Think about it for a minute, I've never held a job longer than a year, and when I finally did I was so ecstatic and happy I just about passed out. I've never been on a date, much less kissed a girl, and who knows why? Certainly not me. Every time I am around a girl that I feel anything for, I seem to shut down, clam up, and just treat her like I would anyone else, a person with whom I can have a relatively safe time, but nothing more. I am too confused by the world around me and the behavior of these incredibly strange creatures called humans, and I am utterly surprised to find that I am one of them. If I were to find out that I am actually some kind of alien that replaced the REAL Aaron Ingebrigtsen shortly after birth and am on a mission to study this strange race, I would be relieved and happy with my existence. As it is, I'm constantly under emotional strain and turmoil just trying to figure out how to be a human being like anyone else.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm far too unique, not really human at all, though my form would suggest that I am. I should just live my life as if absolutely everything I experience is a new and alien experience, and treat everyone as if I've never met anything like them before. I've dreamed of losing all my memories and starting over from scratch. Wow, what a gift that would be. Oh, sure, I love my family, and friends, but, forgetting all the bad things that drive me crazy, and learning nothing but new things might actually be a huge improvement on my life.

Well, anyway, I'm done ranting and raving. It's probably a huge mistake even posting this. If I've offended you... well... Fooled You, HAHAHA!!! Seriously, "He who is offended when offense was not intended is a Fool, he who is offended when offense WAS intended is a Greater Fool!".

Love you, peace.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Numerology hocus pocus

If you love numerology, stop reading right now, because I'm gonna write stuff here you are not going to like or agree with, and I don't want you yelling at me, or at least posting flaming red hot messages about it.

Ok, here goes, I am very obsessed with Numbers and Number Systems, and because of that I get very angry about Numerology, I detest it with a passion. You may be thinking, "Wha?! But you're a Numbers freak, I thought you'd Love Numerology, cause it's numbers and stuff", yeah, well, it's that "and stuff" part that bugs the heck out of me. There is some simple mathematics being used in numerology, but that is the only part of it that is in any way interesting to me, the rest of the stuff is nothing more than a belief system. I'm not saying you can't believe whatever you want, heck, you can believe that you have the ability, all by yourself, to clear the whole world of bad energy, in just one trance session, but, whatever. I'm not gonna argue with your beliefs, whatever they may be, I'm just saying, NUMEROLOGY IS NOT THE SCIENCE OF NUMBERS!! If anything it is a belief system in mystical powers and symbolism attached to numerals in just ONE numbering system, the decimal, Arabic, base 10, numbering system so many people use for every day life.

And now for why I refuse to believe even the smallest thing in Numerology, whatever symbolism or mystical magical property a numeral is thought to have in the Decimal numbering system could not possibly apply in any other numbering system, and in my mind this invalidates the whole thing, period.

Ok, for instance, this guy on the radio was going on about some numerological thing about the number 111, and how it's divisible by 37. And he was going on about how 222, 333, 444, etc. are all divisible by 37. I'm like, duh, and, so what? He was going on about how there are no accidents or coincidences in the universe, everything has a meaning, bla bla bla. So, whatever, he, and anyone else, can attach whatever mystical magical meaning they want to this simple mathematical process that, as far as I'm concerned, has absolutely no meaning.

So what if 37x3 is 111? 37x6 is 222, 37x9 is 333, etc., every third iteration gives you an iteration of 111, so what? But this only works for Decimal, what about other numbering systems? There are others you know, how about Binary, Hexadecimal, Octal, to name just a few? That's what gets me all riled about numerology, it assumes, rather stupidly in my opinion, that Decimal is the Universal numbering system that everything in the universe vibrates to, which gives these Numerals special powers in our lives. I say, bull pucky.

Nothing anyone sais could possibly convince me of any of that crap. And the main reason is, as I said earlier, if it can only apply in one numbering system, and no others, it's absolutely meaningless drivel.

My favorite numbering system is the D'ni, base 25, numbering system, but I also like a bunch of other numbering systems and enjoy converting values between them. A numbering system is nothing more than a means of representing a real value, just symbols with specific value attached to each one. If that value being represented has some kind of magical power itself, then it doesn't matter how it's being represented, but, Numerology is the opposite belief, that the symbol is what carries the magical power, not the real value it represents. So, bla bla bla, and yackety shmackety.

Ok, I'm done ranting.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

OS/2 Warp 4 with VMware Player

Hi, this is something I'm excited about for now, I used to have OS/2 Warp a long time ago, I loved it, I thought it was way superior to the DOS 6.22 with Windows 3.1 I also had at the time, and I was mad as all heck that IBM gave up on the OS market and let Microsoft take the whole PC pie. ARRGH! But, now I get to have some fun with OS/2 Warp without making any changes to the PC that is now running windows XP. Sure, it's not relevant today, it's apps just can't do what people need to do these days, but it's nostalgia, can you really blame me?

Anyway, here is how I got OS/2 Warp 4 installed into a virtual machine using VMware Player.

I first downloaded VMware Player, then I downloaded OS/2 Warp 4, because my OS/2 Warp copy is damaged and no longer works for some reason, and I gave up on it long ago. This is the configuration file needed to get it working. I also need a .vmdk virtual disk image file, so I downloaded a package of pre-created blanks of varying sizes, picked the 2gig one, copied it to the folder I want to run OS/2 in, renamed it os2.vmdk and copied the .iso cd image file and tried to boot up. That's when I remembered that OS/2 was created before bootable CD technology was available, nothing, not even Macintosh computers knew how to boot from a CD at the time. So, I had to grab a DOS 6.22 disk image, which I extracted using winrar because I have no diskette drive and I need to load the disk image into a virtual drive. So, I went and got Virtual Floppy Disk, and loaded up the image as A: drive. Of course, since VMware Player already thinks there is a diskette drive, thanks to the configuration file above, it was easy to load up A: drive and boot DOS in the virtual machine. DOS found the CD and gave it a letter, R: for some reason, and I just had to go there and run cdinst.bat.

This program on the OS/2 CD creates installation diskettes necessary to boot OS/2 and install it. Well, the next thing to do is tell VMware Player to disconnect A: drive, then go to the VFD control panel and unload the current diskette image, and tell it to open a new RAM diskette, which allows me to put whatever I want into the virtual disk, and save it to an image file later. Then I told VMware Player to connect to A: again and told the installer batch to create the first diskette. When it was done I disconnected the A: drive again and told VFD to save the RAM disk as an image, calling it "os2 disk 1.ima". I repeated for each of the diskettes, then followed the instructions to have the "OS/2 Installation" diskette loaded and reboot. That loaded up and told me to put in disk 1, I disconnected A: and told VFD to load the disk 1 image, etc. etc. You can do all of that work, or, since I already did the work, you can just use the image files I created, yay, shortcut!

Once all of that swapping around of image files and loading is done, you have a working OS/2 Warp 4 installation in a virtual machine. Weee! :) You may need to be patient, at least on my computer it seems to take forever to get from disk to disk in the installation process, just sit and wait.

Hear ye here now

I want to say a few things about why I post messages on here, and message boards and such. It's because I am actually very quiet most of the time IRL, I don't like discussing much with people in person, especially if it's really controversial topics that get me all riled up. I get much more emotional when talking to someone in person about things I believe very strongly about, or have very strong opinions about, than I would when posting something online. At least when it's an online message, I can take a breather, try to calm down, maybe take a nap and get to posting later. But in person, there's no time out, it can be sort of like a no holds bared verbal brawel with me, and that's the kind of thing I can't seem to resist, and it's also the kind of thing that causes the most trouble.

So, if I've posted something online that I feel very strongly about, I most likely do not want to discuss it at all in person, and will do anything to avoid the subject, including walking out the front door. I'm not very social at all, I find social situations to be extremely stressful, even when everyone around me is being kind and friendly, I still find it highly uncomfortable. I'm pretty comfortable at family gatherings, I don't isolate myself usually, but I still feel a twinge of stress any time a topic I feel strongly about comes up in conversation.

Also, the more emotional I get the worse my muscle spasms get, I can't control it, and it has gotten to the point where it is causing a lot of pain. I don't know why, and I have no idea what to do about it. So, if you could please, if you meet me in person, just don't talk about stuff that will get me riled up, don't try to push my buttons, I'm not all that stable in the first place.

I may bring up a topic that is bound to get me riled up, which I sometimes do because I have a need to express my thoughts and feelings that sometimes overrides my need to shut up and be quiet. But when I do, I almost always wind up getting very upset, my heart rate goes way too high, my blood pressure too probably, and I get nasty headaches and pain all over the place.

Right now I feel pretty calm and collected, and yet, my chest hurts and my heart is trying to stop beating. So, I'm gonna try to stay real calm and not say or post things that will get me all riled up. If you think I'm complaining too much, oh well, too bad, I keep quiet all day long, when people ask me how I'm doing I say I'm fine, and don't mention anything. So, whatever I complain about on here, it's because I need to stop keeping stuff bottled up.

Ooooohhhhhhmmmmmm, Ohhhhhmmmmmmm, *cough cough* uh, Ohhhmmmmmmm....

There, now, I've uncorked, relieved some emotional pressure, and I'm ready for sleep.

Good night.