Sunday, November 8, 2015

Will I stay or will I go?

********If you don't want to know me, Really know me, the Whole Truth, stop reading right now and go back to your comfortable ignorance.********

Will you stay or will you go?  That is the question asked today at Stake Conference in the broadcast from Salt Lake, which I Think was sent to all the Stake and Ward buildings worldwide.  At this point I don't know whether I will stay or go.  I am in great emotional turmoil right now.  I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts.  Even though I know that my suicide would be terribly painful psychologically to my family and close friends.  In fact, that's what really keeps me alive, knowing that giving up would hurt everyone, especially my parents.

Why don't I know whether I will stay or go?  Why am I suffering this turmoil?  Because I'm a Libertarian and my Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has been progressively moving against Liberty, more specifically against the LGBT community.  I love my Church, the people in my Ward, and my Family.  Leaving the Church would be like being torn away from my Family.  It would hurt a great deal emotionally, and I don't know if my unstable mind could handle that.  I'm quite sure that a trauma that I can't handle will cause me to commit suicide.  It will push me over the ledge upon which I stand so precariously right now.

I'm a Libertarian BECAUSE of my great love for others, because I'm an Empath.  I do not like it when I see people harming others, and I react with anger.  I have lived my entire life trying to defend the defenseless, help the helpless, and use whatever strength I may have to strengthen the weak.  The Core of my beliefs, from which everything else branches out, is First Do No Harm.  THAT is the very first thing.  My Belief in God, Jesus Christ, The Holy Ghost, The Prophet Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon, etc., all come Second.  They may be a very Close second, but they Are Second only to that core belief.  I will Never use God as an excuse to harm others, Never!  I would rather die in as long and painful a way as possible than support harm or cause harm.  KNOW this about me.

I'm also a Feminist, the Original Actual movement which is Egalitarian, NOT Misandry.  I'm sick and tired of the evil Man Haters (Misandrists) taking over the definition and causing Men to Hate Feminism.  That's exactly what they want!  That way they can use Men's anger and hate against them, claiming that it's hate against All Women (Misogyny).  I'm neither a Misogynist Nor a Misandrist.  I reject them both!

I have a temper, though.  I get really angry sometimes, so angry I lose all sane thought.  That is frightening to me.  I don't want to, but how do I contain the rage?  It's so hard.  So I have hurt people because of the words I said to them in anger.  I am guilty of sinning against my core because of my terrible temper.

I am experiencing a crisis of Faith.  Not in God, but in the Church.  I feel like I'm being torn apart.  I want to just ignore everything, ignore the pain, and distract myself with unimportant things like video games.  Escape the painful reality.  It's what I've always done when reality becomes too hard for me.  Books.  Games.  TV.  Movies.  Anything.  Anything but facing the pain.

This is the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth.  No lies.  No deception.  The veil is lifted.  My soul is laid bare.  This is my confession, all the secrets I've been keeping for so long:  I masturbate, I will not stop masturbating unless I fall in love and get married.  I'm a Nudist, I will not stop being a Nudist.  I'm an Intactivist, I will not stop being an Intactivist.  I'm Bisexual, though I've never had sexual relations with anyone, I have felt sexual attraction to both males, and females.  I also agree with the "Ordain Women" movement.

Are you interested at all in learning why?  Do you dare delve into the depths of my soul to gain true understanding of me?  Don't judge me, I beg you, for sinning differently than you do.  I'll try to not judge you either.

In conclusion, I'm a sinner, I know it, and I know that I have no right to judge anyone else for their sins.  For now I'm not leaving the Church, but I don't know what will be the straw that breaks the Camel's back.  I don't know if I'm going to be declared an Apostate for merely disagreeing with the Leadership, and be excommunicated.  If that happens it will be devastating.  That's it.  If you are reading this and I'm dead, now you know exactly what's been going on in my head.  Take care and God Bless you.